Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall