Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
No one :
Me when I swimming :
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
yes, those are my real potatoes.