Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
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(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
road rage
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough