Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
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*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Respect
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.