Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
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Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.