Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
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Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.