Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

⛄️

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.