Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.