Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Check your privilege

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.