Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

ㅤ

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!