Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

need a new bf mines broken 😐

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy