Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

Swedish for common sense.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.