Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

ㅤ

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention