Whoever came up with the name âdenturesâ really missed the opportunity to call them âsubstitoothsâđđ
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Him: Weâre going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesnât want you to be found with any identifiers
Interviewer: Whatâs your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, âToo many. Youâre wasting them!â
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
#ImNotWorriedCuz Iâve got a license
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
We need a name for our store that shows weâre on the cutting edge of technology.
âHow about Radio Shack?â
Perfect.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and Iâm going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[at daycare]
Me: Iâm here to pick up my son
Daycare: whatâs he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] Iâll take the job
Willy Wonka:
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restroomsâI love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Letâs hear him out.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldnât be any good music.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, âIs it because of your hair?â Now Iâm crying for two reasons.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: UhâŚme too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
People who are allergic to peanuts: I canât, itâll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I canât, itâll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
They just announced step away from the windows at OâHare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Iâm sorry youâre breaking up [static sound] Iâm about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, weâre right in front of you
UhâŚ.. go ask your mom.
Isnât
I donât know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: WellâŚI was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? Youâre lucky it has seats.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space