Whoever came up with the name âdenturesâ really missed the opportunity to call them âsubstitoothsâđđ
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Sheâs carrying a torch for you because her flamethrowerâs in the shop.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no Iâll probably just buy another car
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks đ¤
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
*seductively eats two tums*
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/oâs sweatshirt after school.
Canât tell whether sheâs starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My kids donât like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after theyâre gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause Iâm snack mom for my daughterâs game and she said why donât you just make them and I said Iâm sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, itâs probably a duck.
Daughter: Didnât you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, itâs just her reaction to having to do a chore.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I donât like peanut butter anymore.
âlassie i donât see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-â timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understoodâŚ
Iâm more than willing to test out that whole âmoney canât buy happinessâ thing.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Why would I want guest towels? Thatâs like an invitation.
The âyouâve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single dayâ pop-up alert â but for work emails.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I hate when I have dreams about work. Iâm not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.