Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”馃槀馃槀
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I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced 拢149.99.
We don鈥檛 deserve birds.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we鈥檙e always minutes away from everything, we鈥檙e minutes away from death right now
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I feel seen
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Fill the pi帽ata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal