Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour