Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down