Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”馃槀馃槀
You Might Also Like
Him: you鈥檙e not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don鈥檛 fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don鈥檛 fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON鈥橳 FIT, OK?!
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom鈥檚
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
fianc茅e: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that鈥檚 the hardest dungeon of all
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I wouldn鈥檛 mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait