Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.