Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
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I am all good here, 😂😉
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.