Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
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If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.