Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
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There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
oh shit
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.