Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

There’s only one good girl here!

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.