Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
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Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?