Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside