Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
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Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening