Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
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I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.