Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

I hate when that happens.

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up