Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Please vote for people who are attractive
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997