I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
this is the greatest thing ever
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.