When black guys say “ya feel me?”, I literally feel them so they know exactly what level of white I’m operating at.
Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.
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When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Always carry $10,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feeling like getting a meal at an airport.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like “oh wow maybe marriage is cool” and then the lady said “STOP BREATHING ON ME”
[playing limbo at Gary’s house]
GARY: how low can you go?
*i sleep with Gary’s wife*
GARY: wow, that is pretty low
The training begins.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.