Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
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ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
jesus, what did this guy do
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I’m not proud
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
why isn’t he texting back
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.