Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
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Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.