Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
