Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
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[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song