Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl