Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Care for your back
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.