Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
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Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same