Whoever coined the term coined the term coined the term coined the term
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.