Whoever coined the term coined the term coined the term coined the term
You Might Also Like
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*