Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
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Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Still cracks me up
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …