Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
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Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Me when I’m ovulating
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”