Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
You Might Also Like
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
How does one answer this?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.