Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
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Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.