Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
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You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Sir!!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.