Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
dictator is short for richard potato
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
oh my gosh!!
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…