Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

perfect

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.