Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
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Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….