Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
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I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.