Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
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I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Stop sending me this shit.
When you let grandma cat sit
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*