Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

All. The. Damn. Time.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.