Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

If my kids invented a drink.

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

We made a comic about a space heater.

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator