Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore