whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
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I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*