Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”