Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’