Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
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*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
lost dog
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.