Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Encore…
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name