Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
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I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.