Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
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Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”