Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
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If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Holy shit he’s back
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Butt weight. There’s more!
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My biological clock is wheezing.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.