Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
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Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees