Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I鈥檓 standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I鈥檇 have less history to learn
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I鈥檒l stop twerking now
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I鈥檓 just on my own I鈥檓 pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I鈥檓 pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I鈥檓 often found with chips
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
馃幍 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 馃幎
Don鈥檛 ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what鈥檚 the occasion
Me: she鈥檚 about to go into the next size so I鈥檓 making t sure she鈥檚 worn things at least once 馃槀
I don鈥檛 need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don鈥檛 have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis