Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
You Might Also Like
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
A male goth is called a broth.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Venn
