Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
WHY would you be happy about this?
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Do not steal food from the science building!
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying