Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
“Tell me one of your long term goals”
“No, I meant-”
*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
me: you’re my favorite son…who’s your favorite mom?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers