Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*