@inmybox07

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

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@DGComedy

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me one of your long term goals”

Sleeping

“No, I meant-”

*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change

@GensPlace

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

@CooperLawrence

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

@brynnester

[Death Row]
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Guard: But…

@cellapaz

me: you’re my favorite son…who’s your favorite mom?

son: dad

@AndyJokedAgain

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers