whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
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Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]