whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
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LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”