whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
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If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Ah yes. The three genders
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.