Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
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if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”