Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.