Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
You Might Also Like
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one