Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…