Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
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For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
here we go again
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”