Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
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Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*