Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

this has done me in for some reason

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

What’s the point buying it then?

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.