Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
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After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”