Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?