Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.