Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

Only a mother’s love …

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?